I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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