Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
