Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
