you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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