just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
