saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
