I want to have your abortion
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
