I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
