i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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