I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize
