One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
