3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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