genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
