Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
