I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
