Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
