Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
My cat gives me a boner
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
