Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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