Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
