god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
