did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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