how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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