i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
