Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
