Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
