You can't motorboat a personality
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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