Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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