I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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