she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
