She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Randomize
