i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
