dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
It was a blind-side dick pic.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
