Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
