My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
