my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I just forgot I was standing up.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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