I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Dignity is for republicans.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
