Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
