life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
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