I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
