just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
