God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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