I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
