Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
