apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
