I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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