A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Fuck appropriateness.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
