I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
