I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
