Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
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