What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
