it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
