did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
