is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
