Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
