Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
My penis needs a shock collar
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
