there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Dicks are not precious.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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